Compost a Heap of Something

THE OIL BAG - WEEK 7

Thought I disappeared did ya? No, no-no, no, no, no... Haven't you noticed? I've been busy. Oil is trading at its highest price ever! topping $90 a barrel. Believe me, it's not easy getting the whole world to fear an oil shortage in order to drive the price up.

While I was working I received the following question:

Dear Oil Blob, While eating lunch today I noticed that my utensils were made from potatoes and my cup, plate, and napkin were made from 100% recyled material. I thought that this was amazing; my friend did not. We then proceeded to settle the matter the only way possible - mano a mano. I tried to stab her with the potato fork, but it broke. Is this the only draw back to compostable utensils?
Sincerely,
- Mon C.,
Land of Angry Trees, U.S.

Well Mon (you Jamaican?), I think there are several drawbacks to compostable utensils. First of all, why the fork? To borrow a line from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves,

Sheriff of Nottingham: "Locksley. I'll cut your heart out with a spoon!" Robin of Locksley: "Then it begins." Guy of Gisborne: "Why a spoon, cousin? Why not an axe?"
Sheriff of Nottingham: "Because it's DULL, you twit. It'll hurt more."

And now, I will use a spoon to carve your saucy little implication that compostable utensils are good in any way, shape or form.

PILE O' CRAP

In theory, compostable utensils, and all other mode of compostable materials, can be collected into a giant heap of something (something moist, steamy, smelly... in short - crap). After you collect the biodegradable material in a stink hole, you allow time and nature to eat away at your trash. Here's a breakdown of why I hate composting:

Your Living Compost Heap

Your Mutant Child?

Your Backyard Neighbors

Spread Composting and Grass-Cycling: You spread waste and let nature takes its course. I don't know about you, but when nature takes it's course, I don't spread it around.
Backyard Composting: Backyard composting has drawbacks. The "heap" must be at least three feet high (that's a big pile! You could lose your child to a raccoon colony in there!) to generate sufficient heat. So what do you do with this eye soar?
- Break your back turning it over with a rake, sword or some other long poking device (heh, heh, heh), so the cold outer layer has a chance to get inside where it is warm (What... Is this thing alive?).
- In the fall, you can let your kids roll around in a compost pile (instead of a pile of leaves) - that way you don't break your back turning the heap over, and your kids are the ones who contract rabies from the raccoons and rats.
- Unlike me, the heap itself is not attractive. Even you, my filthy treehugging readers are less smelly and ugly than rotting food - including maggot infested meats and sour dairy.
Municipal Composting: Sh*t collection on a massive level! This probably attracts rats, raccoons, flies, causes "fluid dripping" (that doesn't sound good), and odors that can be hazardous to your nostrils, Fido, and that no pooping Siamese that keeps rummaging through my trash (and what a shame that would be). The only plus? In most cases, an additional fleet of diesel trucks is required. We all know that diesel is the only thing that gives you power needed to haul two tons of poop (not those wussified hybrid, LNG or electric Tonka toys).
In-vessel Systems: I don't even understand what this means.
Worm Composting: One word... Ew - GROSS!

SUMMARY

Who has the time, energy, money, or lack the sense of smell to be able to handle anything dealing with composting? Well... I do. But the rest of you working stiffs have lives to lead, children to beat, and snowmen to melt. Now Mon C, specific to your question, most compostable utensils will biodegrade in approximately 18 months in a home composting system and within 6-12 months in a commercial compost facility. That's A LONG TIME! You can buy, use, and dispose of hundreds of plastic utensils in that amount of time - without having to worry about a smelly pile of rotting stink in your kitchen, backyard or garage.

SOLUTIONS

Plastic: What's wrong with the system we've got. Nothing makes me feel more American than a barbecue with plastic forks, knives and spoons, eating off of a plastic plate, and throwing my waste out when I'm done (kind of like your body does). Out of sight, out of mind. Doesn't it just make sense? You use something, then throw it away and buy new. Who wants used? Who wants to waste water washing?
Fuel for Life: What might be the only thing that can eliminate the smell that emanates from compost piles? My new Fuel for Life: DIESEL. It will keep you running so hot, you may orgasm. Or at least cause one!

Want a visual of what may happen when your compost heap turns on you? WARNING! This clip takes a while... kind of like compost.